Everything ends. Nothing ends.

last day of the year

a very English year for me

London i´ll return

be assured

you have not seen the last of me

so much more to feel

so much of me that stayed for real

in you, with you

it was not always alright

i wasn´t

but still there was always light

there was Mornington Crescent

Libertines, tears and fights

you fed me, you bled with me

berlin is my shelter
berlin is my storm

you´re a fire

and I keep burning

longing

earning moments out of time, moments all mine

you´re an ocean of darkness, of light

a temptress of great might

my love goes out to you - you TWO

all I went through was to get closer

to myself, life, love

TRUTH

and i dance into the night

and i may lose a million more fights

but all is me, is you, is buried deep inside
and shapes bridges of great light


crossroads ahead
memories in dreams i carry to bed

and all is real

all is me and what i feel

a story to be told, petals to unfold

until the flower withers...

LIFE.

How can it be

Life is not easy
Life is not fair
Miss Innocence will make it seem so
until the wild winds left her where
love grows cold
hearts get marred
faces look old
and hopes just starve

But how can it be
that there is so much YOU
so much YOU still
inside such a whiny, tiny me?

And how can it be
that I feel guilty, torn, and ugly
when i wish for nothing more
than to hide under your skin
and colour and scratch up
your world, your heart
with my oh way too eager drawing pen?

Here I write, where will you be?
Now, soon, forever
Can I win?
Raise hell
to keep up my faith, and hope, and chin
to look into your eyes
once more

Life is not easy, life is not fair
but Miss Love will make it seem so
and if and wehn I catch your gaze
will all my doubts be then erased?
For now,
till soon,
farewell.

Fall

sick, sick, sickness, crawling up your throat
leaves fall from trees, and you fall and you bleed
silently and refusing to believe
that all there is
is all there was
and now and here
it all slips away
in a rush of sickness
to your head, to your head
you`re so upset
words, words, words,
as they come
you feel doomed
but they are what you silently assumed
the end feels near and nothing,
nothing fills the air,
this room,
this moment
but your fear
you wanna be held,
you wanna cry,
you tremble and try so hard
to stand still, to fight tears
to shake the beauty
back to life
It seems humble, and marred and spare
but it´s there
you won´t give up
you won´t give in
this makes no sense
but there is so much, so much
you would waste
while there is still so much to win
you have to let go,
walk away
and find solace
in every smile,
in every word,
in every hush of hope
rustling and dancing like all those leaves
face the day
overcome all what may
and stay in what is
just stay, stand still, inhale
the smell of coffee, peppermint, present
and live again, and again, and again
every day
to the end, to the end
patient, hopeful and brave

sticky

I left you behind
in my dream
as daylight streamed back into me
and I slipped into a twilight zone
I was caught between a headache and scene:
Rescuing pictures of us that we´d stuck to the walls
-in a strange place-
from the fate
of loss and ruin

We wanted to walk in the rain
and spend hours before parting on a hill
facing the wet, green, fruity summer meadows
we would have to leave behind for another while
until we meet again
If ever
What if never?

Somehow things got in the way
somehow I was meant to spend
time and effort on dreary bends
carved into a road
I dearly wanted to drive down with you

Last hours lost
My hands were sticky with glue
I rescued some pictures -
Naked on paper
the happiest moments with you

But our reality stayed wrapped
in the hollowness of waiting
waiting for sadness
to be replaced by joy
Come back to me!
Released from my dream
Be my daylight
and into you I will stream
If ever
What if never?

I miss you

Flakes of Fate

Libs, Lips, Lingerie
long hours of love-making
dreams are flaking
and showering into a reality
of two bodies reaching into each other

Moaning, Mingling, Dwindling
dances in candle light
exploding from times passed
in shades of doubt

Tears, Fears, Hearts, and Clouds
lifting and drifting away
in eruptions of joy
from deep down inside

Satisfaction in your eyes
stains from pains
shooting you back
into the beaming core of life

On the road
in the same boat
shipping into a haven of light

Moments out of time
moments on a shrine
to cherish and knot
into a chain of stars
knitted and fitted
around two souls
and marking the universe
of all they came to be
apart
together
as one
on the run
into a brighter world
circling the sun

symphony of desire

i want to live in the fire
i drown in desire
heart is shaking
waves are breaking
all inside my body
in a fever
so eager to live
all the hopes that
I kiss
when I go to bed
and feel lonely
in a skin
I wish to shed
for it wraps me up
in loneliness
and screams in
agony
for slipping and dripping
into you
in ecstatic pleasure
and love spilling cruise

seasons (unfinished)

i feel it on
i feel it in
my skin
something pouring down on me
a hail of nails
a rain of bliss
i lick my lips
and taste the wet that
purifies?
causes?
stains i get
while chasing and crazing
my mind into a maze

the wet is blood
the wet is rain
who knows what
eases
inflicts
pain


in the maze
i race
ignorant to its nature
a garden of seasons
changed by the posture
I take on to walk
in its shades
humble or in grace?

nails might pierce or cover me
in a red blood dress
the elixier of life
and I caress the thorns
that promise
a bed of roses

rain might drench me
in cold misery
or radiate in a glimpse of light
and cover my skin
in a glow of desire
naked
pure
and coming to life
with the roses awaiting
the lovers at night

in my hands

empty, so empty
my hurting hands
here´s a face
it will be erased
i am afraid

i blast it all out
give me the night
and i´ll shine so bright
in images & words
rainbow coloured reflections
of a malicious
eruptive mind
a beauty, a lover, a temptress
i´m none of that kind

i hide in disguise
and crave adoration
but just as you see me
i withdraw in tears
for my hands feel empty
and so i´ve no right
to make you believe
that there´s anything,
anything at all
that i could give to you

to keep you warm
to dream on your chest
to keep up with all
that you posses
youth, virility, brains & hearts

so much less
such a mess
that´s me
how i see me
and i hate it
don´t know how to feel
don`t know what is real

when i open my hands
would i still exist
when you take them
can i make it
be there for you
be there for myself
and cure the feeble girl
who´s no fake
no delirious, inferiour waste

i want to make love
create birth on an earth
ready to bring me to live
and hand you a flattering butterfly
that had died in clenched fists
waiting for me
to raise it
in a loving, brave kiss

i don´t want to leave thee
don´t want to deceive thee
liberty! screams my heart
and i will fight
until my heart believes in the beauty
my mind so fiercely denies
dreams will come true
i´ll open my hands
and make love to you

Pleasure & Pain

pleasure and pain
and in between
the sweet innocence
of a hiding game

back and forth
in the channels that nurse
the coloured shades
of gleaming and dreaming
together in daylight

a twist of the tongue
a cover undone
words, airs, gins
tickling with pleasure
in the battle of skins
crossing the border
invasion
who wins?

running through the rain
madly resisting
pleasure and pain
lips that plead
doubts demanding retreat

at night
at flight
but nobody waves goodbye
nobody wants to return
to the burden
of blank lonely dreams
stabbing a heart
ripe with pleasure and pain
to be unveiled
to be heard
to be answered

feeling just right
together at night
two hands, hearts, hopes
leaving to be one
exploding on the run
flowing and glowing
into sunbeams at dawn
and kissing the starlight
from wondering eyes

Mornington Crescent

Mornington Crescent
even the rain is pleasant
here at the start
here just to part
for the instance of a glance
at the life we don´t want
then back to the needs
that with romance we feed
in the red-bricked corners
at Mornington Crescent

A crescent moon
promising a full life
that we´ll die for
in bloom
crescent shaped borderline
dangling above the abyss
of fear, hate, loss

Mornington Crescent
a stone that is tossed
onto the crossroad
gets lost
collect it
-we are both rejected
see me!
free me!

Lonely lovers
on the run
into the cradle, into the dirt
into the underworld
to reappear as one
without fear
at Mornington Crescent

Graced
by a humming hymn of hearts
beating together
fighting like never
so much to feel
so much revealed
in the pleasant rain
at Mornington Crescent

refound December thoughts....

“There is beauty, love, inspiration, darkness, despair & fear in your life. But your eyes, your expression, your words speak of great hunger- an endless painful longing that gnaws at your heart and soul and creates a huge emptiness. You fall from stars rather than into them. You stuff life into yourself wastefully, but your inner landscape remains a shaky island threatened by the harsh winds of (self-) detest that wash merciless waves of destruction over you. You are soaked in dirt, you freeze, you shake, you cry, you die of loneliness. And still you rebel, you rage against a menacing world of which you assume that it is outside when it is inside you. You bring yourself to a fall. The outside just echoes what is going on inside. The dirt thrown into your face equals the poison you drown your screaming soul in. Your soul keeps on rumbling and fighting and resisting - so do the people who wash the dirt off your face to touch the wet burning cheeks of the angel boy underneath…”


“One and the same. Every day breathing in, breathing out. Traceless footsteps on swept floors. Words uttered and forgotten. Hours of thought dumped into a waste bin. The icy horror of hollowness creeps up my spine. I mute it with the transient pleasure of wearing a newly bought jacket. Everyday I collect shells when I marsh the shores of deeper seas hidden inside those people I meet- in gazes, touches, words & gestures. By the end of the day the shells have become one and the same - empty, indistinguishable, stripped off covers. I stuff them into boxes placed on the edge of my memory. Silently they tip over and into oblivion. If I printed my heart into the sand, would you wipe out the trace? Careless but without intent or on purpose but without a reason? This is what we do to each other every day. Our shores and shells stay one and the same. But what do we take with us into the sea if all we achieve with our floods of life is erasure of traces rather than collection of the trace-makers? Are we afraid to drown each other? Are we afraid of the depths in each other that might harm us if we reach out too far- if we gaze too long, touch too passionately, give wings to words, invite with gestures, sing along to our soul´s melody & poetry so it may find an echo? Blessed be the Obsessed because they know neither measure nor fear of getting lost. What is all the restriction good for? Why rather hide than give ourselves? What is worse: Getting hurt or remaining untouched, an oblivious memory, gathered for a moment, forgotten for eternity? My need for self-exposure might be my weakness but my incapability of hiding myself might be my ticket to ride straight into another´s unanswered heart. A heart asking: Who pulls into her arms the mighty feelings of my true and inner Me that I push into a starless sky without direction? It´s me. Come to me. We are for each other the long awaited fulfillment of the wishes we made when we first saw a shooting star. Out there you are. Here I am. I will find you. I promise.”

rotation

in the dark hours
we walk and stalk
the spirals in our head

downward in a blaze
of regret and hate
doors get slammed
into our face

rollercoaster-sickening life
among mice
in the underworld
of waste and rage

we are squeaking and sneaking
below and above
an army of love
unspoken

lost in ignorance, fear, despair
dying in motion
crashed by rotation

borderline friend

the fish can´t live with the bird
the fish can´t cry when it hurts
no one will be
with the cold shaking me
drowned in invisible tears
in an ocean of need
am i your friend, indeed?

i can´t expect you to hold my hand
when all you`ll see is how i end
in tearing and swearing my life to pieces

i can´t expect you to give me your light
when i blow you away and defend the dark side

i can´t be with you
i know i will miss you
and i hurt myself to hurt you
and i burn myself to alert you
just to deny the fate of a fatal state
and smoothe you for the peace of night

i know it´s wrong
you are so sane and on your flight
i can´t disturb a life that is life
i can´t ask you to endure the pain
i cause without reason and right

i´ll perish, i´ll perish
please be free!

and leave the greedy queen that´s me
i need you to go
cause i need you so
and with your heart
you fight the hate
-the hate that makes me know it´s too late

it always was
a fish in a glass
shattering the walls
and cutting herself up

flee and BE
in life, in heaven without me!

share moments with those who can love
and wave farewell to the queen of spades
piercing her mind and draining your stars
to go up in blood and flame
with no-one but herself to blame

there is so much hate
there is so much rage

run, run, from my cage of devastation!

and be on your way to find friends
at another station
bound for jumping a train of love
without question
without farce
friends to the end
i can´t even carry you round the bend
without crashing and smashing us into a hole
and begging you to to feed me the flesh of your soul
i´m feeble
i´m empty
i lie
go, go, don´t even say goodbye!

birth of worth

there´s no freedom in escape
there´s no love in death-bound caves
there´s no peace in watching bleed
the fearstruck girl that cuts
what she may breed

once she fell into a well
and ever since
awaits her fate
of hitting ground
of getting drowned
at the lowest end
of her free-falling self

in a tunnel that bites
the light from her eyes
and shatters the hopes she never had-

to take a needy child to bed
to save her wings from slaughter
in an embrace
that no-body could have brought her

an embrace of love
for the beauty she tossed
down the suicide path
in a well of abortion-

The hell, girl, you know
this birth will be none of distortion!

Stop raping the child
and life will be in your might

There´s freedom in loving embrace

prison lily

can´t find sleep
can´t find rest
i´m vexed and pressed
by shattering matters
hailing down on me
from noxious faces
watching and judging

a blade dangling above my head
i know i´ve not yet bled
pretentious my mention of torment
a lily catching a cold
but i feel like my dream´s been sold
and i´m stuck with the fate of the prisoner
shunning and running from release
walls so deceptive
walls so protective
a world that lies
but never dies

the dark is a bliss
as long as it´s blinding
and I can´t miss
the unseen
that is, was, will be
behind the walls, within their mass
all through their cracks...

an eyeless lily
but the cold sinks in
and feeling bereaves the dark
of its right
to trump a view
that is crystal and bright
and looms through the walls
of a cell
longing for (re-)apparition in
bloom

before the age....

what about the below and above?

there´s a girl on the roof
as slender, as lonesome as a cat
fur like tar
a voice from afar
humming of death
she clutches her chest
bumps still with questions and rage

why the hell? - Wasted, pasted and all is too late
before the age, any age

expectations on shore
never to reach the secrets
of the deep freed blue

on a roof top she sobs
for the shipwrecked ocean
that is her heart
undiscovered in the dark

stranded on a roof top
and the sky is of knives
cutting the fleet of her dreams
down to her feet

at least she can jump
and carry her crippled self
into an ocean of light

the armada sets sail
and she is gone
with the dead
long before the age, any age
perished without faith

libertine

far, far off this meagre existence she travelled
to escape
starvation, deflation, toxification
on the spinning wheel
of murderous, empty days
walking in line
far, far off from from where she cries
for the wheel races across her soul
without end, without telling her what it all meant
it means nothing to her

slowly she dies
in a neat, sweet candy box
counting her days in tasteless portions
to an invisible end

far, far off she travelled
to follow the walk of the Libertines
and gather spears
from their mental heritage
to battle the wheel until it cracks
and scream out FUCK to all that sucks
sad girl ran mad – but hell, who cares?

lonely she wandered but their secrets are hers
when she mapped their lands she mapped herself
and shot up her veins the liberty in her heart

she vowed love to milestones, gravestones of Arcadia
wet, wounded, worn, torn
in the rain of purification
in the reign of desire
dwelling in melancholic imagery
raising the dead by the map in her bag

she lifted the curtain
to the playground of their act
and invaded the stage as she realized
she´d come all the way to star a libertine
in the living scenary
of her own beauty
it meant everything to her

have you ever....

have you ever been
to places never seen
and whispered your shadows into the sand?

have you ever heard
the angel in a bird
and kissed your soul into his sky?

have you ever found
the lost girl, naked, crowned
by splinters of a life
she gathered for their uniqueness?

have you ever red
in people that you met
the truths unfolding
in your fears?

have you ever stood
as timeless as you could
in memories of your gods?

have you ever caught the rescue in this thought:
hearts don´t ask
they answer

in-filth-nity

if it was to start at a place called Filthy McNastys
and to end at a place called Infinity
- doesn´t that signifiy anything?

from the ashes into the dirtbags
where all the longing dreamy bright eyed children
are (still) breeding in the dark
over hopes that won´t die
as long as they feed the tears
they bear and share
in the music
in their universe

come along for just another infinity
save waste-bound wings
for a ride to heavens
in heart-shaped moments
shot up with love, lust, music,
and liberty

singing saviour at Euston

frozen by an edge
swarmed by passing people
heading from now here to another end
of the twisted tubes
and up into the vast, fast, milling city

frozen in time
melting in spell-bound air
that carries his voice to my heart

strangers at ease, strangers at peace
fusion betwen fearless tears & crystal melodies
virbrations, shaking lips, knotted fingers, racing thoughts
gathering on a roof top
as the music channels and chases them into the open

this is it
encounter, music, beauty, and pain
unchained by a cut
i fall into the gap
freed in nowhere
flying and frozen
with the singing saviour
at Euston
no words spoken
purity unbroken

and on and on
we carry the timelessness
of a magic moment
aching devoting fingers on strings
longing, trembling fingers gripping for a hold
within a dancing, praising soul
erased from a caged existence
on dead-end planet
and reborn by a stranger´s embrace
into liberty
at Euston

naked visions

it drives me mad
to wait in the dark
forever
I want to disappear
into you
invade the holes
in your heart
like you invaded
mine
but still
so empty
restless
sad
regretting the
birthlessness of
times
i now force into the open
and cry about
i play a song
i read a poem
and all these pictures
float my eyes with tears
and wound my hopes
until one day the scars may speak
of these days
where i painted immortal dreams
into puddles of mud
on a deserted path
stole memories by imagination
from those who are in possession
of the lived traces they left behind
in places, in spaces, in hearts
i call for you
in naked visions
never to be clad by the fever
of times i now crave for
close, so close you come to me
in the words and in the music and in my tears
it hurts
your world is the world
my world is these words
thrown into echoless space
lost between an instant and a kiss
to your unknowing person
nowhere´s here in a skindead shell
without you

ill (f)usion 2

you -

dripping, fruity, fleshy, innocently
from thrilling imaginations
unto my kiss-starved lips

you & me -

Ripping, stripping,
needless, beatless
skins off

sweat and breath and love
dripping from thrilled bodies
unto stitched-up hearts
we tear apart
and wove into one

burning lips
ragged flesh
a heart in the dark
fevered and fed
by a sensual scenary
in a dream
that you left

oblivious to its meagre existence....

ill (f)usion

i cry on skin
i never touched
i fall for words
i never heard
i cherish a candle
that never burned

i can´t hope forever
but i can´t face a "never"

so i hurt but i smile
and hold on for a while
to the illusion of
the fusion
between our hearts

-i know it is scattered and marred

it always was, we never were
a we

skin, words, candle -
you
in dreams with me
vibrant, poetic and burning

lights off

no forth
no back
i lost the track
and slide with tears
and broken dreams
down the drainpipe
of insanity
my soul so torn
-beyond repair
my heart an island
-left to drown
I scratch, I beg, I fumble
for flickering signs of hope
while I nail my life to the walls
of defeat
I shake, I shake,
let them break!
let them break!

deathless

age pokes holes into your skin
routine´s a desert that rubs you dry
and still you hear the same songs spin
and flip with the fountains in your heart

weariness paves the well trodden paths
steps stiffen on the rim of light
and still you feel the same raw lust
when your eyes flash for a photograph

you walk in circles and plea for the end
but after all it´s a flower
you painted in the sand

may waves and winds wash out your days
as long as you stay
and feel, and hear and smell
the girl that wanders amongst the stars
and neither fears the dirt nor the wet

just this....

all you want from life
is for someone to hold your hand
and tells you he understands

someone who carries you through the night
and tells you it´s allright

no-one to be found
in a land half drowned
by the reign of sorrow

solitude strikes again
and kicks you into the dark
of its hope sucking mouth

emptied and spit back
into the plain cold
you lament to the moon alone
and carve your tears
into a voiceless sky

giving in

eyes turn white
times pass away

faith shakes the hand
fright stirs the flesh

this skin grows too tight
and winds up in a garden of thorns

all roses in colours of blood
faith loses its grip

lost
in a dark paradise
with a ragged shell
and dripping blossoms
that can´t carry the weight
of a life unwanted

lost

cold fingers
splintered nails
clinging on to a cup
and a moment
slipping from life´s realm
like the coffee´s steam

aching back
and a crack in the wall
decay swallows all
faster still if you look back

filling a page
feeling sick
a blissless starvation wage
no flowers to pick

intestines burn
and the night is of ice
dead hours and no way to kill them
glee went abroad
home is covered in plight

splintered dreams
cold light
wrecked heart
so it seems

a fleeting beating in the dark
an echo closing in from the walls
a cracked melody entering my sleep

i can´t hear you
are you home?
i cut in too deep
i wind like a worm
i lost you
long before you were gone

glamour & gutter

he spat in the mud
bleeding teeth
broken glass
too much of too little and all that

tear drained eyes
staring down the gutter
sounds of frozen kindness
in shiny red shoes
tapping and rapping
on the plaster

he shuddered
took heart
and shook off disaster
nose-up he joined in line
and paralleled steps
with the lady from glamourama
perfect skin
sweating out champagne
splendid looks
and a mind so sane

"The rage, the madness, and the pain
how sad to numb a broken nose in the snow
if you could just sit in the glow
with wrapped-up glamour to go"
he thought
and shuddered

too little in too much and all that
and back he was
scarring his life in the gutter
and crying his soul awake again

thin air on plane/plain

caged in a box of plastic, metal, leather, air-conditioning and tired, bored faces sitting and waiting in line
for a coffee and a life
served in disposable cups
"Caution- Content´s hot!"
We swallow and chew on lukewarm pleasures
and numb the aftertaste
with a teeth-bleaching peppermint
before being greeted conventionally
by a kiss and a hug
at another end of this world
as though the in-between
had been bridged by no more than
a sigh and a sip

"nowhere´s here with you on my skin"

let me fall into your arms
let´s roll across broken flowers
into lovers´end lane
let´s rent a room in the sky and one underground
and tumble, crawl, fuck up and down the stairs together
let´s hang from the ceiling, bang against walls,
fall to pieces on the carpet
bite, steal, and scare others
like rats in holes and channels
play a little song
write a broken poem
peace on earth between the sheets
while feather-like dust tickles our fused skin
with the first stirrings of day
in weak pale morning light
where did the (f)night carry us?
nowhere´s here with you on my skin

*catwalk*

..the word scribbled on a toilet door in a cinema in Zürich. It catches the impression I got on Bahnhofsstraße- snobbish middle aged and exchangeable faces and styles of men and women wearing a masquerade of expensive clothes, make-up, nose-up shopping busyness. it´s like they own the pavement because the red carpets of chanel, rolex and cartier are rolled out for them. a uniformed army of stainfree diamonds knitting a chain round the royal neck of their closed society. diversity and motion is only to be found in places promising escape and opening a window to the world outside the shiny glow of shopping windows, cashmere, fur, silk and bleak phoney conversations- main station, seaside, basel....

maybe i am the narrow thinker and stereotyping observer here...but first impressions always count and they kept me thinking about deeper matters: how can satisfaction and a feeling of warm, calm comfort enter our hearts if we hang all of our grand ideals and dreams onto one place? do ideals narrow our view and judgment more than that they provide wings to meet greater, more significant, unchained ends?

what are ideals about?

jung said that all addictions are alike and lists idealism among them....

i will have to follow this train of thought...but not now. there are still some switzerland experiences to gather...

devotbees

we swim, swarm, twist, struggle through your veins
to keep the blood flowing
while you die in chains
and we hold you tight
and you scream for flight
but we know better
and write you a letter
it disarms you
and blows you away
and so you stay
and sip at your tea
a simple warmth, a word, a smile
and poison leaves you for a while
and you just read
uncover
see
that always love will bloom for thee
and when dawn´s glow pales your fears
remember the heart-worn that kissed you goodnight
and leave them some honey for their tears

somebody´s watching (from outside, inside, other side?)

woke up to my own attempts at screaming. but it would not really come out via my sticky tongue and dry mouth and stiffened vocal chords. its amazing how thin the borders between unconcious and conscious life, dream and reality sometimes are. there i lay- paralyzed and fearstruck by scenes that had just gotten into me and conjured up all of the most rudimentary and true motions inside me that are smeared with brainy rationalism in the waking hours. frontal brain jumped back into wake modus quickly and told me about the non-threatening reality of my room that i -physically- never left that night and no person, or thing intruded into. but still, from some other -far more intriguing- end something made me feel that boogey man was still haunting me. shadows from curtains, doors, clothes, furniture transformed into his dark knights, watching me and laming me with ready-to-attack stares. i absolutely did not dare to move. i felt caught by infantile archetypal fears on the one side and greater matters thrown up by the psyche on the other that made me scream and twist between the worlds so as to make them collapse into one. frontal brain ran fast enough to prevent the fusion. i rolled to the other side and fell into non-restorative and dreamless sleep for another few hours. boggey gang would not stay for breakfast. psyche´s piercing shadow is still at my back and the next night is ahead.

no limits

how far would you go if you knew there was no tomorrow?
you should go that far whenever your heart tells you so
because there may always not be a tomorrow

so i´m out and off to feel your real presence, get caught in the fire, burn with the crowd, dance with a night made for eternity, and breathe in the air and vivacity of your beloved london...

fuck forever

Reading about guerilla gigs in the musicians` very own home place and stage invasions that erased all possible barriers between prophets and disciples, mental and physical fusion, publicity and privacy, sin and sinner, awe and awfulness, imagination and sensation, possession and obssession....

how come those things happened to people from my very own generation while i was far from being washed upon the untamed shores of rock´n roll culture? now that the barriers have become as impregnable by human force as an ocean, i can only paddle around in a romanticized dreamland of skin-close wild life experience...

i enter a club and "fuck forever" thrills through my body. i leave after banging my head off to "teen spirit". all the time i am surrounded by a new, young and carefree generation of music lovers taking part in the lively beat of their time before age will wither their spirit and beauty. hopefully they won´t spare themselves any of the self-indulgent pleasure taking of youth. May they never have to torment themselves with recognizations of what they have missed but glorify the scars they carried away from what they experienced- right at the front, not behind barriers.

we sing, and dance, and drink, and freak out to the same songs - yet to them the icons of now and then blare out anthems of their very own present embodiment while i whirl around in a dark corner that stinks of decay and fight tears of desperation and self-pity over the missed opportunities in my younger days....

and in the early morning i slip under the covers and hide from myself in the catchy scenes portrayed in my book

Dear mus(ag)icians...

when you perform
you make love to a faceless, numberless lot of us
and we make love to you
only you
you eat away at our hearts
hypnotize our minds
play every string of our soul
infect us with words
about love, addiction, arcady, tragedy, people & memories
you fuel us
you fool us
you take us
you rape us
then kiss us goodnight
off and gone you are
shaking a sweaty night off your skin
while we slowly crawl back into ours
and lick the wounds and wonders
you carved into our existence
- blindly

and we always return for you
with great hunger
for the motionless, monotone streaming of life
has worn us down and out
youth jumped into the void
crumpling with age & loads of responsibilities
we crawled out again
to face a narrower, slower road to death

we come to you
for you to switch off the world outside
and feed us with stardust from neverland
where imagination is reality
& childhood eternity
come! kidnap us
from our numb and neat rooms
your music has the shape of our wings
its vibe makes them materialize from our heart`s desire

and off and gone we are
just for this night
reality dies
while we chase the moon
in your eyes
-singing, laughing, dancing
along with the imaginary twinkling shadows
of immortal youth & grace

and when you close your eyes
we dive into the puddles of the moon
filled up with honeymilk, flowers & perls
- oh how we wish we could drown in you!

but off and gone you are again
while we still suck desperately on thick, dead air
with eyes closed
and freezing feet
that remind us of the inescapable cold embrace
of another unpromising day
catching up with us
and steering us through dead neccessities
while youth and honey drip in tears from our eyes
and we keep the dust off our feeble hopes for escape
with a wing feather
we robbed from paradise

tomorrow ever comes...

pale blue sky...
even in january there´s a glimpse of hope
between the blank sheets
of yet unborn times of bliss and beauty

the withered flower of january
breeds an innocent foul
riding into upcoming summer sunsets
as a proud mare

when anger shows....

Passed a group of young lads today while I was out jogging - or let´s say dragging my aching legs through frozen heaps of snow- one of them shouted after me "Run BITCH, run!" Where does this hostility stem from? Or how come that such an address is part of a "normal" range of behavior? But then i have to take a step back aand admit that there is hate, rage and insatisfaction within all of us - Which channels do we push it into? Who do we smash in the face with it? Who do we blame for our sufferings? Who´s the bitch that we stitch?

yearning in january

here we are again - a dead, shiftless, motionless january. berlin covered in a vexed veil of grey mist and dirty snow and chasing people inside with icy fangs of an unwelcoming northern wind. the cheer and glamour and warm-hearted socializing of christmas time is over, and the bittersweet after effects of excessive new year´s partying have vanished from limbs, hearts, and heads. time to start anew. time where i always wish i were a wintersleeping animal- just crawling under the earth with all the heavy, sweet, irresistable christmas sins on my hips and falling into lifecolored dreams of sunlit summer sensations and reawakening with a feel of rebirth. well, at least my music and muses keep the blood flowing and and the flames flickering- they are seasonless - thank god (or the divinity in creative people)

song of sadness and sincerity:
sheepskin tearaway

"it´s like trying to dry your eyes in the pouring rain..."