Balloons wind up in trees

Useless. Empty. Forlorn. On the edge.
Craving for blissful nothingness.
I am not afraid
Of this last height
I have been falling all my life
Balloons wind up in trees -
Ragged. Red. And gone forever.
I have seen through me –
How could you ever know where I´ve been.
In my mind. In your mind.
Screaming. Exploding. Hungrily.
In fear and terror.
Stomach cramps and clenched fists.
Forever and ever.
And still I always kept playing along.
And sat smilingly
through all your damn stupid songs.
Blood is running down my heel.
And I have nowhere to go
And no one is here
To feel the warmth of the red and white
For one last time
For all my life
in this feeble skin
I trembled from laughter of self-disgust
But I kept it all in
Pretended and faked
and fussed about this and that
In a stupid, pitiful One-woman-sketch
and whatever served you best
Always TOO aware that all I needed
was somewhere to rest my head
With you, on you, in you
As long as I could
Before you would
-so I could-
Dump me again.
When you caught my sight
I got lost
and felt like nothing was ever in my might.
I never stopped though
Before I hit another floor
Again, and again, and again
Getting up and swallowing the tears and the blood
Pretending I would be okay next time.
Not this time.
Not anymore.
I´ll turn my back on you
And walk.
Conscious of every step.
Calm. Serene. Bereaved of all fears.
I´ll be gone when you see me appear
From the grey and the height
From where you´d somehow expected me to turn up
One day, anyways.
And that´s when you´d start pretending –
How could this happen? She seemed okay, she was so strong.
FUCK YOU.
Now leave me alone!
You´ve been long, long gone anyways.
You were never
anywhere
with me.
My white skin is torn.
I`m there! Almost there, now so soon!
Look up! Look up!
And when I crash -
don´t dare catch my balloon!
I´ll pop and plop
across the pavement
Like this pearl necklace
that got torn
the time when you fucked me
and I knew I had to end
because this gaping, pathetic, infecting hollowness
would have me as long as I bled
and choked
on spit, tears, and shame
and would know from the taste
and this dirty old face in the mirror
that I had no one but this THING to blame.
They kept telling me that I need to help myself.
And it all made sense.
For a second.
Until I´d strip my clothes off again
And play make-believe –
“My soul will keep it all in.
This time, I´m free. This time I´ll shine bright
without a weak, freaky need to be seen.”
I´m tired of not being able to stop.
So this will be my one final act.
-Do you like what I`ve set up?
See! See! Now look at me!
My flesh will flash up
The moment you blink
And I´ll be all smashed up
Before you´ll be able to think….
Whatever.
Enjoy the view!

Fouling in foil

Tight, too tight
Und wehrlos. Und bleich.
Blank, burning eyes.
Plasticised
Nicht heiß, nicht kalt.
Kein heute, kein gestern, kein morgen
Verbogene Glieder und faltiges Fleisch.
Zeit ist ein Kokon
Aus Einsamkeit.
Hitting the keys, buzzing machines.
Sound of scratching nails on my mind.
A surface, facade, parading out of sight.
Slipping throug,
Being no more
But again and again,
I hit the floor.
The ivory tower
Beton, Glas, Linoleum.
Alles still, alles taub.
Und der Akt
so grau-blau-verblichen.
Durchbohren. Abstechen. Vergessen.
Wie die eine
Postkarte an der Wand.
Und es dauert an.
Liegen gelassen. Abgegriffen.
Fate of the living:
Technology, efficiency, progression -
At the heart of eternal depression.
Und das Sein ist längst verdrängt
Und der Rest platziertes, verschnürrtes Nichts.
Unding. Nothing. Wimmern -
Hinfort! Hinfort! Du stummer Schrei.
Starre. Vorbei.
Tap,Tap, Tasten, Bildschirm, Flimmern.
Und wieder bricht ein Nagel ab.
Und wieder sackt ein Stück das Wrack.
Slowly, endlessly drowning
In a stained and cracked coffee cup.