in my hands

empty, so empty
my hurting hands
here´s a face
it will be erased
i am afraid

i blast it all out
give me the night
and i´ll shine so bright
in images & words
rainbow coloured reflections
of a malicious
eruptive mind
a beauty, a lover, a temptress
i´m none of that kind

i hide in disguise
and crave adoration
but just as you see me
i withdraw in tears
for my hands feel empty
and so i´ve no right
to make you believe
that there´s anything,
anything at all
that i could give to you

to keep you warm
to dream on your chest
to keep up with all
that you posses
youth, virility, brains & hearts

so much less
such a mess
that´s me
how i see me
and i hate it
don´t know how to feel
don`t know what is real

when i open my hands
would i still exist
when you take them
can i make it
be there for you
be there for myself
and cure the feeble girl
who´s no fake
no delirious, inferiour waste

i want to make love
create birth on an earth
ready to bring me to live
and hand you a flattering butterfly
that had died in clenched fists
waiting for me
to raise it
in a loving, brave kiss

i don´t want to leave thee
don´t want to deceive thee
liberty! screams my heart
and i will fight
until my heart believes in the beauty
my mind so fiercely denies
dreams will come true
i´ll open my hands
and make love to you

Pleasure & Pain

pleasure and pain
and in between
the sweet innocence
of a hiding game

back and forth
in the channels that nurse
the coloured shades
of gleaming and dreaming
together in daylight

a twist of the tongue
a cover undone
words, airs, gins
tickling with pleasure
in the battle of skins
crossing the border
invasion
who wins?

running through the rain
madly resisting
pleasure and pain
lips that plead
doubts demanding retreat

at night
at flight
but nobody waves goodbye
nobody wants to return
to the burden
of blank lonely dreams
stabbing a heart
ripe with pleasure and pain
to be unveiled
to be heard
to be answered

feeling just right
together at night
two hands, hearts, hopes
leaving to be one
exploding on the run
flowing and glowing
into sunbeams at dawn
and kissing the starlight
from wondering eyes

Mornington Crescent

Mornington Crescent
even the rain is pleasant
here at the start
here just to part
for the instance of a glance
at the life we don´t want
then back to the needs
that with romance we feed
in the red-bricked corners
at Mornington Crescent

A crescent moon
promising a full life
that we´ll die for
in bloom
crescent shaped borderline
dangling above the abyss
of fear, hate, loss

Mornington Crescent
a stone that is tossed
onto the crossroad
gets lost
collect it
-we are both rejected
see me!
free me!

Lonely lovers
on the run
into the cradle, into the dirt
into the underworld
to reappear as one
without fear
at Mornington Crescent

Graced
by a humming hymn of hearts
beating together
fighting like never
so much to feel
so much revealed
in the pleasant rain
at Mornington Crescent

refound December thoughts....

“There is beauty, love, inspiration, darkness, despair & fear in your life. But your eyes, your expression, your words speak of great hunger- an endless painful longing that gnaws at your heart and soul and creates a huge emptiness. You fall from stars rather than into them. You stuff life into yourself wastefully, but your inner landscape remains a shaky island threatened by the harsh winds of (self-) detest that wash merciless waves of destruction over you. You are soaked in dirt, you freeze, you shake, you cry, you die of loneliness. And still you rebel, you rage against a menacing world of which you assume that it is outside when it is inside you. You bring yourself to a fall. The outside just echoes what is going on inside. The dirt thrown into your face equals the poison you drown your screaming soul in. Your soul keeps on rumbling and fighting and resisting - so do the people who wash the dirt off your face to touch the wet burning cheeks of the angel boy underneath…”


“One and the same. Every day breathing in, breathing out. Traceless footsteps on swept floors. Words uttered and forgotten. Hours of thought dumped into a waste bin. The icy horror of hollowness creeps up my spine. I mute it with the transient pleasure of wearing a newly bought jacket. Everyday I collect shells when I marsh the shores of deeper seas hidden inside those people I meet- in gazes, touches, words & gestures. By the end of the day the shells have become one and the same - empty, indistinguishable, stripped off covers. I stuff them into boxes placed on the edge of my memory. Silently they tip over and into oblivion. If I printed my heart into the sand, would you wipe out the trace? Careless but without intent or on purpose but without a reason? This is what we do to each other every day. Our shores and shells stay one and the same. But what do we take with us into the sea if all we achieve with our floods of life is erasure of traces rather than collection of the trace-makers? Are we afraid to drown each other? Are we afraid of the depths in each other that might harm us if we reach out too far- if we gaze too long, touch too passionately, give wings to words, invite with gestures, sing along to our soul´s melody & poetry so it may find an echo? Blessed be the Obsessed because they know neither measure nor fear of getting lost. What is all the restriction good for? Why rather hide than give ourselves? What is worse: Getting hurt or remaining untouched, an oblivious memory, gathered for a moment, forgotten for eternity? My need for self-exposure might be my weakness but my incapability of hiding myself might be my ticket to ride straight into another´s unanswered heart. A heart asking: Who pulls into her arms the mighty feelings of my true and inner Me that I push into a starless sky without direction? It´s me. Come to me. We are for each other the long awaited fulfillment of the wishes we made when we first saw a shooting star. Out there you are. Here I am. I will find you. I promise.”

rotation

in the dark hours
we walk and stalk
the spirals in our head

downward in a blaze
of regret and hate
doors get slammed
into our face

rollercoaster-sickening life
among mice
in the underworld
of waste and rage

we are squeaking and sneaking
below and above
an army of love
unspoken

lost in ignorance, fear, despair
dying in motion
crashed by rotation

borderline friend

the fish can´t live with the bird
the fish can´t cry when it hurts
no one will be
with the cold shaking me
drowned in invisible tears
in an ocean of need
am i your friend, indeed?

i can´t expect you to hold my hand
when all you`ll see is how i end
in tearing and swearing my life to pieces

i can´t expect you to give me your light
when i blow you away and defend the dark side

i can´t be with you
i know i will miss you
and i hurt myself to hurt you
and i burn myself to alert you
just to deny the fate of a fatal state
and smoothe you for the peace of night

i know it´s wrong
you are so sane and on your flight
i can´t disturb a life that is life
i can´t ask you to endure the pain
i cause without reason and right

i´ll perish, i´ll perish
please be free!

and leave the greedy queen that´s me
i need you to go
cause i need you so
and with your heart
you fight the hate
-the hate that makes me know it´s too late

it always was
a fish in a glass
shattering the walls
and cutting herself up

flee and BE
in life, in heaven without me!

share moments with those who can love
and wave farewell to the queen of spades
piercing her mind and draining your stars
to go up in blood and flame
with no-one but herself to blame

there is so much hate
there is so much rage

run, run, from my cage of devastation!

and be on your way to find friends
at another station
bound for jumping a train of love
without question
without farce
friends to the end
i can´t even carry you round the bend
without crashing and smashing us into a hole
and begging you to to feed me the flesh of your soul
i´m feeble
i´m empty
i lie
go, go, don´t even say goodbye!

birth of worth

there´s no freedom in escape
there´s no love in death-bound caves
there´s no peace in watching bleed
the fearstruck girl that cuts
what she may breed

once she fell into a well
and ever since
awaits her fate
of hitting ground
of getting drowned
at the lowest end
of her free-falling self

in a tunnel that bites
the light from her eyes
and shatters the hopes she never had-

to take a needy child to bed
to save her wings from slaughter
in an embrace
that no-body could have brought her

an embrace of love
for the beauty she tossed
down the suicide path
in a well of abortion-

The hell, girl, you know
this birth will be none of distortion!

Stop raping the child
and life will be in your might

There´s freedom in loving embrace