Unrhyming 29

All this longing, craving, yearing for what is not
when will it ever stop?
The older I grow, the more finite become my tracks
I cannot turn round, reinvent, be all that I never was
and what and who did I want to be?
job, love, Berlin -
was this meant to be my destiny?

There is so much good now in my life
but the longer it last the fiercer it strides
through my mind and creeps up my back
the shadow that speaks of broken dreams
of withering skin and loss and ruin
and all that was still possible way back
So am I lucky, am I fucked?
I do not know
Would I want to start over, put on a new show?

"What would have been if"
keeps me rotating
"what it has come to"
has me raging
and banging against the cushioned wall
and all this despite the goodness, the progress, the love - embracing it all

He is everything to me
and this is where the mad run begins
- away, away, away from shared pancakes and cuddle lulls
but what else would there be before the cursed curtain falls?
Not death but mid-life, the step to be taken, the end of an act
- was it good, well lived, was I happy, am I face-to-face with the fact
that 20+ is not written across my face anymore?

What am I really afraid of?
Normality, boredom, idleness, routine
not having made it to something special,
ended up entangled in a tight rope scheme
pulled tight
by my perfectionist mind
and angsty child inside
- striving for more, clinging to security on the other side

"I can still be more"

which is a good thought

only if not echoed by the (seeming) synonym "I am not enough"
only if not hastily exchanged for a well-deserved enjoyment of a beautiful present
only if not trembling with the fear of "what if not?"
only if not perceived as a self-soothing embellishment of mid-life`s dead ends
only if not an excuse for thinking these soundless lines over and over in endless REPEAT.

FULL(EST) stop.