stupid thing

there it is
again
one of these sickening, piercing, engulfing
moments of loneliness
a bursting, thirsty puppy
my heart
a well-worn pain
around my eyes, in my neck
a burning, stitching, suffocating,
penetrating
thought that I so dread
that is all and everything, the only sky, earth, universe
reason to be, and not want to be anymore
in my head, inside, all over me,
creeping, never sleeping,
invading like an army of rainfalls, of nailfalls
having me down and open and bleeding out
all posture, power, dignity
I miss you
please, please!
- just let me forget, switch off
all images of this skin, this kindness, this warmth
a room so cruely deceptive
it has given me all these little things
that i hold on to
that may have long, long gone through
another gate, with another wave, saying goodbye
and i cannot even cry
like dust you reappear,
when the light falls in through the window
and all surfaces are covered by ashes
you left in time, in space, in the realities of my place
and there are many,
forever present, forever burning
the leftovers of when we were
only what we shared
what was it? and why did you not take it?
just take it ALL with you
leave me in peace, leave me bereaved of a feeling
i wish now i´d never had
stupid me to ever think
that i could give with my arms, my words
what i received
and somehow i always knew
that when i go
i would lose you
and when i stay i would lose you
and all those ashes now stare at me, swear at me:
"you stupid thing! we are what we were -
flakes of nothingness. what were you thinking?"
and i hear the laughter, the laughter of mockery, disgust
hailing down
on me
in me
i am pure intensity