splintered & the shell jar

(splintered)

why am i so damn fucking angry
and at who and what and how can i let go
not implode but explode
kick, scream, resist, tear to pieces,
FREAK
not speak my mind
get rid of it, spit on it
dissovle in an inferno
of hate, rage, devastating power
i am so powerless, feeble, scared
i cannot read, see, speak
without choking on tears
without feeling wrong
without losing what i am always on about
doing things right, being alright, healing, fighting
coming to terms
is this what i really want? what i need?
i hear glass being smashed in a container
which is my body, my soul
a waste bag
please just get me on a car, on a long
road leading
nowhere but into another
senseless, drained, and hollow
now-here
get me on this road, in my bag
and on your way kick me out the window
into the grass, into the mud
return me to the earth
but even she would scream
i did not give birth to you
you have no place to go to
no roots
just boots to walk
silently, endlessly,
through Berlin streets at night
i sense no fear when i stirr and race through the rain
it protects me
cause it´s only inside
and the night showers on me in response
i need the echo
emerging from solitude, hollowness, pain
and the shell which is the city i pass through,
the city i need, i greet, and will leave behind
i move, so i am still alive
but so often, so often i die
the shattering glass rings in my ears, on my mind
i feel, paralyzed, caged, and marred
by the noises, the voices from inside
i want to bleed it all out
i read of a dead child, a murdered child
identifying its murderer
by bleeding just a little harder
when he stood by its side
he was reavealed, the bleeding was stilled
and it died
they could cry, and despair just for one last time
and grass grew on and closed the gap
it was freed from the trap
of a life so pure, so good, so protected
but fuelled with anger that was so long neglected
and so it ended as a victim, a martyr
and innocence embroidered the heart of this saint
always humble, obedient, insane and pitied
buttered with mercy and good-willed understanding
of all those who know but would not admit
how they are so much better, so much more realistic,
so good, virtuous and fucking sane
i don´t want to bleed harder when i see myself as the victim, the murderer
in and from my grave
i have to unfold into the world
not let it all fold in on me
silently, acceptingly, like a slave
do i have a right, a right to resist?
can i throw with glass, even if it caused all my own scars?
can i hurt and mark
those who seem so much better, so superior, so deserving of happiness,
gratitude and love?
my gratitude, my love, my improvement
i will get better, do this, do that,
soothe you, smoothe me
get back and start over
escape my selfish, greedy, needy me
and roll on the grass, a meadow, a white plane of flowers
fruity, fresh, not falling into dust
with you
embrace you
be a container
an embroidered, curved, fitting vase
for the flowers we pick together, knit together
in a festive bouquet
a gift to us
our friendship, union,
the life and the love and the relief
from the abyss that cut right through me, through us
and made me run naked and bleeding
through Berlin at night
hearing glass being smashed
and the shower of rage inside
not released, never released
in screams and hits, and kicks
what at
who at
i am losing my mind
where can i go
and deposit
the waste bag
that is me
my dirty and bad
burning soul
and a body too sick, too humble
to leave, to be heaved out the window
that i cannot go through
to the life of others
nothing that i can do
i want to replace feeling by sensation
gratitude by evil
love by ignorance, sex

(the shell jar)

i want to be a shell,
just moved by the waves
not knowing how it feels
to be wet, to hurt, to cry from a life
overspilling inside
just a dead shell,
glimmering in the sun,
fucking in the sand
until the waves wash over me
and carry me away
until the tide is low again,
rests me tenderly on the shore
and i am found by another collector
who plays with me and tosses me
away again
i would not care
i would not feel
and when the waves rage wildly
and the storm has all might
and i get shattered on a rock
all will be silent
no gaping scarrs, no resisting, regretting and never forgetting heart
just dead
and melting with the sands and the salty ocean
to be and to become nothing anymore
no desire, no drive, no longing, no will
just going nowhere and anywhere
invisible and free