Balloons wind up in trees

Useless. Empty. Forlorn. On the edge.
Craving for blissful nothingness.
I am not afraid
Of this last height
I have been falling all my life
Balloons wind up in trees -
Ragged. Red. And gone forever.
I have seen through me –
How could you ever know where I´ve been.
In my mind. In your mind.
Screaming. Exploding. Hungrily.
In fear and terror.
Stomach cramps and clenched fists.
Forever and ever.
And still I always kept playing along.
And sat smilingly
through all your damn stupid songs.
Blood is running down my heel.
And I have nowhere to go
And no one is here
To feel the warmth of the red and white
For one last time
For all my life
in this feeble skin
I trembled from laughter of self-disgust
But I kept it all in
Pretended and faked
and fussed about this and that
In a stupid, pitiful One-woman-sketch
and whatever served you best
Always TOO aware that all I needed
was somewhere to rest my head
With you, on you, in you
As long as I could
Before you would
-so I could-
Dump me again.
When you caught my sight
I got lost
and felt like nothing was ever in my might.
I never stopped though
Before I hit another floor
Again, and again, and again
Getting up and swallowing the tears and the blood
Pretending I would be okay next time.
Not this time.
Not anymore.
I´ll turn my back on you
And walk.
Conscious of every step.
Calm. Serene. Bereaved of all fears.
I´ll be gone when you see me appear
From the grey and the height
From where you´d somehow expected me to turn up
One day, anyways.
And that´s when you´d start pretending –
How could this happen? She seemed okay, she was so strong.
FUCK YOU.
Now leave me alone!
You´ve been long, long gone anyways.
You were never
anywhere
with me.
My white skin is torn.
I`m there! Almost there, now so soon!
Look up! Look up!
And when I crash -
don´t dare catch my balloon!
I´ll pop and plop
across the pavement
Like this pearl necklace
that got torn
the time when you fucked me
and I knew I had to end
because this gaping, pathetic, infecting hollowness
would have me as long as I bled
and choked
on spit, tears, and shame
and would know from the taste
and this dirty old face in the mirror
that I had no one but this THING to blame.
They kept telling me that I need to help myself.
And it all made sense.
For a second.
Until I´d strip my clothes off again
And play make-believe –
“My soul will keep it all in.
This time, I´m free. This time I´ll shine bright
without a weak, freaky need to be seen.”
I´m tired of not being able to stop.
So this will be my one final act.
-Do you like what I`ve set up?
See! See! Now look at me!
My flesh will flash up
The moment you blink
And I´ll be all smashed up
Before you´ll be able to think….
Whatever.
Enjoy the view!