Unrhyming 29

All this longing, craving, yearing for what is not
when will it ever stop?
The older I grow, the more finite become my tracks
I cannot turn round, reinvent, be all that I never was
and what and who did I want to be?
job, love, Berlin -
was this meant to be my destiny?

There is so much good now in my life
but the longer it last the fiercer it strides
through my mind and creeps up my back
the shadow that speaks of broken dreams
of withering skin and loss and ruin
and all that was still possible way back
So am I lucky, am I fucked?
I do not know
Would I want to start over, put on a new show?

"What would have been if"
keeps me rotating
"what it has come to"
has me raging
and banging against the cushioned wall
and all this despite the goodness, the progress, the love - embracing it all

He is everything to me
and this is where the mad run begins
- away, away, away from shared pancakes and cuddle lulls
but what else would there be before the cursed curtain falls?
Not death but mid-life, the step to be taken, the end of an act
- was it good, well lived, was I happy, am I face-to-face with the fact
that 20+ is not written across my face anymore?

What am I really afraid of?
Normality, boredom, idleness, routine
not having made it to something special,
ended up entangled in a tight rope scheme
pulled tight
by my perfectionist mind
and angsty child inside
- striving for more, clinging to security on the other side

"I can still be more"

which is a good thought

only if not echoed by the (seeming) synonym "I am not enough"
only if not hastily exchanged for a well-deserved enjoyment of a beautiful present
only if not trembling with the fear of "what if not?"
only if not perceived as a self-soothing embellishment of mid-life`s dead ends
only if not an excuse for thinking these soundless lines over and over in endless REPEAT.

FULL(EST) stop.

Fiends

The moment, alone, and all shines bright
a handful, or hundreds of people
just me, I am here, the only disciple
and I breathe and the lights break down inside
before I get ready… before I am able…
to say…, to stay, and stand by your side
this is and was over too soon
and all in a heartbeat, a voice, and a song

And life is this lily
this falling and flying array
of petals that blink, bloom, and fade away
and there I was and it all just collapsed
my silence was stilled
the empty hole, desire, and will
just a smile, just a voice
strings, drums, and resonance
and a heart to crack up on
this feathery evidence
just a second of floating, dangling, and dancing
on the brink of time, the abyss of the divine
and I cut it out with a finger tip
throw it back to you - make it flip, make it kick
for one last time

And I would marry my life, just for this song
don´t play tricks, don´t leave me alone
I need this to be real, to be mine
give me some time, be my groom, let me shine
my petals are dead but just let me know
that all of the tears that I shed
all my grief and regret
in a grave counting stones
and feeling alone
were not in vain
and that just for once I got no one to blame

May the ghosts fade
and take me away
and give me all the right reasons
to be here and feel vibrant and strong
and smile so you´ll let me in and belong
collect me, just have me, and slice me to pieces
make them look like stars,
erase me from this species
I am someone who cannot be
give me a reason to leave
and never to see
when the rain hits the gutter
and illusions drip from my eyes
and romance was never a matter

Say it´s alright,
the way I lived my life after all
and that my fingers were not just too small
to reach out and touch all this light
to say hello and please come by
I´ll bake a cake and let you rest on my knee
and oh my eyes have four different colours
and how far we would travel in these blissful hours
let me show you something, share my cup
let me show you, I don´t make this up
I live on nothing and all that you give
I want to retrieve all the magic, and beauty, and tragedy
that life sometimes is

The record plays on 
and in a moment I´ll drown
in a wine glass, a glance
and wished I had it in me
to make this my last dance
to crash on the shore of the infinite
I know, I know I have to let go, you´re no longer in it
give me a reason, don´t leave, flee with me
this is the closest to life I could ever be

And days have passed 
and here I am, with your record, and wine 
and an empty old heart
the final song, and my wine all gone
give me a reason
save my wings
breathe out and make real
all this beauty that stings
and maybe just dam say you know how I feel


for my best fiend

Balloons wind up in trees

Useless. Empty. Forlorn. On the edge.
Craving for blissful nothingness.
I am not afraid
Of this last height
I have been falling all my life
Balloons wind up in trees -
Ragged. Red. And gone forever.
I have seen through me –
How could you ever know where I´ve been.
In my mind. In your mind.
Screaming. Exploding. Hungrily.
In fear and terror.
Stomach cramps and clenched fists.
Forever and ever.
And still I always kept playing along.
And sat smilingly
through all your damn stupid songs.
Blood is running down my heel.
And I have nowhere to go
And no one is here
To feel the warmth of the red and white
For one last time
For all my life
in this feeble skin
I trembled from laughter of self-disgust
But I kept it all in
Pretended and faked
and fussed about this and that
In a stupid, pitiful One-woman-sketch
and whatever served you best
Always TOO aware that all I needed
was somewhere to rest my head
With you, on you, in you
As long as I could
Before you would
-so I could-
Dump me again.
When you caught my sight
I got lost
and felt like nothing was ever in my might.
I never stopped though
Before I hit another floor
Again, and again, and again
Getting up and swallowing the tears and the blood
Pretending I would be okay next time.
Not this time.
Not anymore.
I´ll turn my back on you
And walk.
Conscious of every step.
Calm. Serene. Bereaved of all fears.
I´ll be gone when you see me appear
From the grey and the height
From where you´d somehow expected me to turn up
One day, anyways.
And that´s when you´d start pretending –
How could this happen? She seemed okay, she was so strong.
FUCK YOU.
Now leave me alone!
You´ve been long, long gone anyways.
You were never
anywhere
with me.
My white skin is torn.
I`m there! Almost there, now so soon!
Look up! Look up!
And when I crash -
don´t dare catch my balloon!
I´ll pop and plop
across the pavement
Like this pearl necklace
that got torn
the time when you fucked me
and I knew I had to end
because this gaping, pathetic, infecting hollowness
would have me as long as I bled
and choked
on spit, tears, and shame
and would know from the taste
and this dirty old face in the mirror
that I had no one but this THING to blame.
They kept telling me that I need to help myself.
And it all made sense.
For a second.
Until I´d strip my clothes off again
And play make-believe –
“My soul will keep it all in.
This time, I´m free. This time I´ll shine bright
without a weak, freaky need to be seen.”
I´m tired of not being able to stop.
So this will be my one final act.
-Do you like what I`ve set up?
See! See! Now look at me!
My flesh will flash up
The moment you blink
And I´ll be all smashed up
Before you´ll be able to think….
Whatever.
Enjoy the view!

Fouling in foil

Tight, too tight
Und wehrlos. Und bleich.
Blank, burning eyes.
Plasticised
Nicht heiß, nicht kalt.
Kein heute, kein gestern, kein morgen
Verbogene Glieder und faltiges Fleisch.
Zeit ist ein Kokon
Aus Einsamkeit.
Hitting the keys, buzzing machines.
Sound of scratching nails on my mind.
A surface, facade, parading out of sight.
Slipping throug,
Being no more
But again and again,
I hit the floor.
The ivory tower
Beton, Glas, Linoleum.
Alles still, alles taub.
Und der Akt
so grau-blau-verblichen.
Durchbohren. Abstechen. Vergessen.
Wie die eine
Postkarte an der Wand.
Und es dauert an.
Liegen gelassen. Abgegriffen.
Fate of the living:
Technology, efficiency, progression -
At the heart of eternal depression.
Und das Sein ist längst verdrängt
Und der Rest platziertes, verschnürrtes Nichts.
Unding. Nothing. Wimmern -
Hinfort! Hinfort! Du stummer Schrei.
Starre. Vorbei.
Tap,Tap, Tasten, Bildschirm, Flimmern.
Und wieder bricht ein Nagel ab.
Und wieder sackt ein Stück das Wrack.
Slowly, endlessly drowning
In a stained and cracked coffee cup.

Silvesternacht

Mitten im Winter, in Berlin
Über den Dächern bei Nacht
Im Rausch dieser Stadt
Der Himmel explodiert
doch ich schlage keine Schlacht
Ich tanze hier oben
mit Wunderkerzen und Sekt
Es ist Silvesternacht
Mein Herz ist nur ein kleiner Fleck
im Regenbogenregen, im Eiswind
doch er lacht
Zwischen hier, jetzt und Zukunft
Ich schwebe und kratze
den Zuckerguss from Kuchen
hier spielt nicht Ratio, Vernunft
hier bin ich die Katze
und gleite über Rinnen
am Rande vom Dach,
von schmerzvoll vergangenen Zeiten
und weiß ich lande doch auf den Pfoten
Egal was kommt, und wohin ich gehe
ich bin noch nicht satt
Und der Hunger treibt mich voran
Will mehr sehen, nicht stillstehen
Mein Fleck - meine Insel
sie schwimmt nicht weg
Über den Dächern der Nacht
Mitten im Winter, in Berlin
habe ich mich entzündet
und sprühe Funken
in den Himmel, die Liebe-
meine Stadt, die über mich wacht

Gaping Mouths

Invaded by this mass
army of gaping mouths
lingering in the dark
longing to eat me up
faces invisible
no names
no identities
nothing to grasp
the enemy
the lust
the fear
controlling my mind
nesting in my heart
I am driven, pushed
torn, used, worn
and I obey
I give up
anything, anywhere inside
that keeps me back?
I cannot read, decipher the sense
a code hidden
beyond the bulb
that is the moon, that is the eye
I circle a life sign
slipping away from sight
crossed and broken
by violent blood lines
exposed in a new dimension
the moon a bulb
yellow, menacing,
as creepy as your eye
I look away
and it bites my neck
the gaping mouths
who are they and why?
you´re their leader
you make me cry
and you are nothing
and what of all this is my truth, is my lie?
Can I split from my skin
from the falling flower
that is no more
when it can´t keep you in
in the circle
beneath the lines
even if you´re the parasite
slowly sucking away at my light
erasing the beauty, the silent sin
with a dreadful, ignorant grin
Don´t touch me!
Go away!
I follow signs of life on the outside
but my liquid core slips into darkness, endless night
Are you waiting,
waiting among the mouths
whispering in tongues
til I come to believe
they are mine?
Humming a song of self-hate and rage
"You are scum, you are scum"
You are my shadow inside
but your flesh will survive, untouched
Can´t split from the mass
deeply laid in your eyes

Manifestation of what?

Makes me cross the last sign

With one last line

When, oh when and why?

Akt.

Glasscherben, Staub, klebrige Hände, Blut, Dreck, gelbe Kacheln,
Zerfetzte Lamellen
wehen über einen stummen, eingerollten Körper hinweg
flapp, flapp, flattern ins Gesicht
Ein Raum - verlassen, verschmiert
Zeit die sich verliert
auf einem Spielplatz im Herbst
Schatten, Blitzlicht,
Blutfäden, Risse
rot, leer, kalt
der Wahn durchflutet die Luft, die Haut
Und irgendwo brennt es
Nah, näher!
Die Kunst, der Wahn, sie zucken nicht,
fallen nicht ein
ein Spiegel zerbricht
wir sehen Scherben, Wracks, gewaltiges Ungetüm
- träge, derb, unbeeindruckt
verschluckt es mich, verschluckt es dich
Ein Drahtseilakt
allein,
exponiert,
lächelnd,
treibend,
fliehend,
ins Nichts.
Und alles bleibt eingefangen:
Klick. Blitz.
Weg! Raus!
Brennen, rennen
falling like flying
forever
how long? how long is that?
Addicted.
to what?
Rote Sterne stechen durch künstliche Nacht
Im Bildstrom, im Wahn der Illusionen
bin ich ganz nackt, ersoffen
und falle in Fetzen von mir ab
A kidney for a shot
Hit me! Hit me up!
Make me break the waves
I drown in this cave
I´m a clown
let me be, let me feast
and catch the scene!
One more time, one more ride
It´s gonna be night outside soon
Dächer, dumpfer Aufprall, in meiner Imagination
Zeit zu gehen
Ein neuer Spielplatz:
Schnitt. Schuss. Exzess.
Bald.
Ein anderer Raum, erschaffen wie im Traum
Von uns
Alles, ALLES für die Kunst
Grenzen lösen sich auf
keine Würde, Moral
nur machtlos übermächtig
im Rausch
Was ist der Preis?
Große Augen
blind
und alles wird weiß
Was ist zu tun?
Bloß nicht ruhen!
Weiter! Voran!
Ein Konzept. Ein Plan.
again and again
Konzentration. Fokus.
Zupacken!
Genau da, genau dort - drücken, zudrücken, zerdrücken
feste, fester, sofort!
Ein Spiel
- aus Leiden mach Leidenschaft
Blut gerinnt schnell
Mach schneller!
Mehr von dem Elixier
der peitschenden Übermacht
die mir entgegen lacht
Woher? Wohin?
Ins Undenkbare
- die weiße, weiche Box des Augenblicks
Näher als nah.
Ein Blick befühlt mich.
Kalte Haut, sonst nichts.
Ich bin allein
und endlich kann ich einfach sein:
Objekt, Freak, Nichts.
Und ich liebe wie widerlich das ist.
Du gehst nicht weg.

Dresden- 2. Akt:
Das Tempo steigert sich. Gib mir Ort, gib mir Zeit-
ich überfalle dich!
Ein musiches Festmahl:
Sich windender Körper, Hülle, Fleisch
Ausschlachtung! Exzess!
Wie wunderbar abscheulich.
Und keinen kümmert´s, keiner will zusehen.
Das ist das Spiel, das ist die Kunst, das ist der Trick
Wie weit gehts du mit?
Wie nah ist der Abgrund? Wie tief ist er und von welcher Gestalt?
Machst du, mach ich als erstes Halt?
Nur noch ein Stück, nur noch ein Stück...